Guest post by Dawn Baker, MD.
A brush with mortality will always get you thinking
Recently, our dog died. He lived a very long and full life; he was over 16 years old and seemed to be doing pretty good in his old age, until the very end. His passing wasn’t exactly a surprise, but it has really felt like an end of an era.
Looking back at numerous photos of him, and then photos of him with my daughter when she was a baby, and then photos of him and her when she was a little older… my life flashed before my eyes.
Time is fleeting for all of us, and midlife brings about lots of opportunities to consider our mortality. If it’s not your dog, it’ll be a parent, a relative, or possibly a contemporary friend.
What better time to take stock of how you’re living your life?
I recently heard about this concept called QTR: Quality Time Remaining. How many more summers do you have with your kids? Visits with your aging parents? Trips to far off lands? It’s not about checking off bucket list items or doing audacious things so everyone can see how cool or accomplished you are. It’s about intentional life design. Making memories with those you love, and living out your purpose.
Life design
Life design is about taking control of your life and sculpting the components of it however you desire. It’s the opposite of living life by default, reacting to whatever happens to you along the way. It’s the opposite of doing what you think you should do; instead, it’s doing what you want to do. It’s molding the sculpture toward a sense of fulfillment and alignment with your values.
Designing your life involves experimenting and asking lots of questions. Here are some questions you might ask yourself:
- Do I know myself well: Can I identify my energy gains, drains, and triggers, and how I best care for myself?
- Is my old dream still my dream?
- Is what I thought I wanted still what I want?
- What would I like to subtract from my life? What would I like to add?
- What are my core values?
- What is my purpose?
If you don’t know the answers to these questions, start by spending some time alone. Clarity comes in time spent in stillness. Can you take even a half-day and hang out by yourself in nature? Even better yet, take a nice, long vacation – one where there’s not too much on the agenda. If you can swing it, a sabbatical is optimal during midlife! Take at least one month off to do something joyful that’s not your regular job/profession.
If you’re still unclear on your life’s design, here are some simple steps you can take:
The art of subtraction
Jordan Grumet, author of The Purpose Code, suggests that we consider the art of subtraction to design our lives with purpose. This means ridding yourself of draining aspects to your work or personal life.
Take some time to write down every role you carry in your work and life. What could be subtracted? If you take some time to do the energy audit I described above, the culprits should be clear.
Let people know what you really want
For years, I hoped my husband would surprise me with plans for holidays like my birthday, our anniversary, or Mother’s Day. Beforehand, I’d act like it wasn’t a big deal, all the while expecting some sort of surprise show of love. And each time one of these days would pass without fanfare or a fun outing, I’d sulk in disappointment. Finally, I realized this kind of thing was simply not on his radar, yet he still loved me; he just expressed his love in other ways. So I started planning my own celebrations or asking for dinner outings on specific dates.
Midlife is a perfect time to let go of resentment. If you want something, whether it be a change in your work roles, a birthday party in your honor, or a closer relationship with your partner, make your wants known. When you hide, disparage or downplay the things you truly want, you set yourself up for unmet expectations.
Give yourself permission
You’d think as adults, we’d know that we have permission to make any changes we want to our lives. But physicians like me often spend many years in a mode of delayed gratification; people in other fields fall prey to this as well.
I’d like to remind you: You don’t have to do that anymore. You’re in charge now! If you’ve been thinking of cutting back or getting rid of a draining aspect of your work, do it.
Don’t wait.
What do you want to focus on right now? What QTR moments are you going to create?
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Dawn Baker is a writer, speaker, and lifestyle design coach for professionals stuck on the “treadmill of achievement.” She can be reached at PracticeBalance.
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